Today is two weeks without saying hello to Ray. Something that a few weeks ago would seem trivial and something we could resolve with a quick call to check in. Tragically that is no longer the case.
I have spent every day leading up to the memorial service and everyday since with the overwhelming feelings of guilt and envy. Trying to bring to words the emotions of the loss of Ray are quite a challenge. Ray, whom I got to know at Tulane, was many things fellow rower, roommate, birthday mate, and friend. It is tragic that something so meaningless and without reason would happen.
Clearly as Ray moved back to the West coast his sweet, gentle and kind core continued to develop and support and nurture so many people around him. It is as a result of thinking of our many times together that leads me to envy the lucky people with whom he spent time recently. I have been struggling with this selfish feeling that is balanced with the guilt of infrequent communication. It is not until the last few days that I realize that Ray would not like time and energy to be spent in this way and would simply say learn and move on.
It is with this in mind that I have started to slowly move along and think of Ray’s fine traits in my everyday life. When impatient, think like Ray and take an extra moment to think through what I am going to say. When feeling down like now think like Ray, and appreciate the gifts and blessings around me. Those blessings would be the times I spent with Ray. Slowly I come to realize that in remembering our time with Ray and hearing of his time with others something was consistent throughout all our times with Ray. Enjoy the journey and be good to all around us.
Ray, I am constantly thinking of you, your arms stretching around us and it amazes me as I stood in that room to realize that quietly and subtly some how your arms were around everyone in that room, friends who you brought together after too much time apart, at a time when we thought we were gathering to put our arms around Sophie and Rose. Thanks for your support, and kindness. I am thinking of you and yours constantly.
Peace my friend
Martin